Invitation Over Expectation and Obligation (I/E/O) In Committed Partnership

Invitation For Connection With Your Partner

********Review First********

Get To Know "Expectation & Obligation"

As we explore the presence or potential presence for “Expectation and Obligation” in our lives, it is important to consider how we fulfill our “obligation” while honoring our needs; I suggest the Tool of Invitation.

A hypothetical example: 

The Who

Partner 1 (P1) is perceptive and personalizes/internalizes what they perceive. 

Partner 2 (P2) is introspective, avoidant of conflict, and overly apologetic. 

The What

P2 has had something on their mind over the last few weeks and has become withdrawn. 

P1 approaches P2 and says, "I know something is going on with you, what's up? You can tell me honey, talk to me." 

P2 is now Expected to acknowledge P1. P2 is also now Obligated to answer P1. P2 can now offer an Invitation to circle back for further conversation, without avoidance, without pacification, and without apology. 

The How & Why

Invitations are always for the future, never for the here and now. In this example an Invitation may go something like this: 

"I totally hear what you are asking and I really appreciate it, in fact, there has been something on my mind regarding (X) (provide context without any finger pointing), can we find some time after we are both get out of work Tuesday to talk about it?" 

This presents an opportunity for both P1 and P2 to get their feet underneath them, time to process, remove conflict, increase attentiveness and promote active listening, and be present to discuss ONE thing. There is also a bonus, whereas both P1 and P2 have made time to spend together during and post talk.

Whenever possible consider the benefits of talking about the tool in a vulnerable way prior to its use; ONLY the tool! This conversation can't go, "remember that time when (X) happened, well Chris and I were talking about something that may help us to recalibrate our communication so that we can both have planful opportunities to connect and actively listen to each other." Don't let the conversation turn into a discussion about "that one time (X)." 

Choose a method that is unique to you and consistent with your path of growth. It is vulnerable to share that attempts at personal improvement were made in therapeutic work and that you have a desire to improve communication in your relationship. Then suggest the use of the tool and explain it the best you can. In the end this tool is meant for both P1 and P2 to use; choose I/E/O.

By the way, as your clinician I am always happy to be an excuse to discuss historically challenging topics with your partner. 

-Chris